I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' Emo Philips bedcrushdiscover Change image and share on social
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. Emo Philips beatcostumedress Change image and share on social
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. Emo Philips backgiverhate Change image and share on social
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips doorfriendimaginary Change image and share on social
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. Emo Philips concernpeoplereproduce Change image and share on social
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! Emo Philips alibikennedyparty Change image and share on social
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips exterminatornightsleep Change image and share on social
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. Emo Philips barbeernipple Change image and share on social
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. Emo Philips blankchildfire Change image and share on social
