Erma Bombeck

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.

I now know how to steal a watch when someone's wearing it. It's an excellent talent to have.

I'm such a bad shopper for myself. I love fashion and all that kind of stuff, but that's sort of the last thing I want to do when I'm done with a film is go shopping. I want to just chill.