Top 53 Quotes by George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

The status quo sucks.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.