Ray Romano

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.

I used to get a haircut every Saturday so I would never miss any of the comic books. I had practically no hair when I was a kid!

I love fat people. Every fat person says it's not their fault, that they have gland trouble. You know which gland? The saliva gland.